You

You were once like family, you held a special place in my heart.

You cried with me, you endured life with me, and at one time you were the only one really there for me. But something inside you changed, you were desperate to take a road that I wouldn't dare to follow. My heart broke for you, I cried for you, I was willing to be there for you...but you cut the ties and walked out of my life anyway.

You were once a familiar part of my life. You encouraged me, you laughed with me, you found joy in getting to know me. But now we are merely strangers, friends of yesterday, and the promises you made have revealed themselves into the lies they always were. My heart was torn apart, yet I was still willing to help you carry your burden. My eyes exhausted from the tears, but I vowed to see you through another set of eyes. I was there for you until you said, "enough" and turned and slipped away.

You may have come and gone, but the imprint you left has helped make me into who am I am today. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have realized just how much He truly loves me. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned that He would always be with me...even when you weren't. You stirred up the passion in my heart. You allowed me to feel the same compassion for you like He feels for me, to love without condition, to learn how to forgive when it hurts the most.

You may have caused me one too many heartaches, but He brought beauty from ashes.

With love,
Aj

Give Thanks

"Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. For His mercy endures forever!" Psalm 107:1

During this time of year it's only natural to reflect on the things or people in our lives that we are thankful for. This year in particular, I am terribly thankful for some key people in my life.

God; I can never thank Him enough for His presence in my life. Through the many twists and turns of life He's always been beside me, He's never left me, even on those nights when I've felt so very alone in this great big world. He's been my Comforter, holding me in His loving arms as I cry myself to sleep time and time again. My Best Friend, always there with a listening ear and encouraging me with the sweetest of words. He's been there on the best of days when all I want to do is laugh with Him and find bliss in being a child of the King and on my darkest of days when I couldn't bare to keep on living. He's been my Healer, stitching together my heart and allowing the light of His love to penetrate my innermost being so that I can smile again. He is my joy, my true delight, and I love Him with every fiber of my being. Truly, if it wasn't for Him, I would not be breathing today.

Mom & Dad; I always knew I was one blessed lady with the parents I have. They've been nothing but encouragment, support, love, and laughter through all the years. But, it took a handful of stupidity on my part for my eyes to really see the gift I have been given with the two of them. Even though their hearts have ached over me, they still loved me. Even though I have slipped, they were always there waiting to help me back up. Though I thought I knew what I was doing, they prayed that God would show me the right way. When my heart was broken beyond repair (or so I thought), they were there to help me pick up the pieces, to hold me, to love me. They constantly point me to God, desiring nothing less than me following His calling on my life - whatever the cost, and love me even when I'm cranky. My mom is my best friend, the reasons for my OCD behavior, and the one person I know who continuously goes through trial after trial and still chooses to praise God through it all. Her strength through Christ is inspiring. My dad can make me laugh no matter what and is the reason for my ridiculous sense of humor. He's been my source of wisom, always knowing exactly what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it. He has been the best example I know that has showed me what it is to live a life fully and completely devoted to the Lord. He truly is a man after God's own heart and gives me hope in waiting for God's best for me.

Friends; Though the term is very broad, my 'definition' only exemplifies a select group of people. These are individuals in my life who have been there for me through the ups and downs. They have laughed with me, encouraged me, prayed with me, or merely just listened and held me when there was nothing to be said. They are the sweet friendships that have grown since childhood. The women that are more like sisters than anything else. They are the long distance friendships that span from Washington, to Missiouri, to Ohio, to Texas. The ladies who I can go weeks or months without talking to, yet one email or text can make me feel like we've never lost track of time. They are the friends I thought I had lost at one point in time, yet by a move we are closer now than we have ever been. The guy who has an amazing servant's heart, knows how to encourage and uplift the lives of those around him, and has shown me that, although godly men might be a dying species, they do indeed exist. The woman who walked with me through a rough time and beat me senseless when I needed it because she loves me. The young lady who's fire and passion for God gets me all the more excited about furthering the Kingdom and the amazing plan God has in store for my life.

These are the people that make my life better. These are the lives I am so very thankful for.

With love,

Aj

He loves me for me

In a few days I will hit my sixth month mark of my "Honeymoon with Jesus" (A period of time devoted to seeking His face and growing in Him on a deeper level than I could if I had someone in my life to devote that time to. He is my special someone.) and I'm pretty excited about that. I can't believe the progress I've made and the change that has occured over this time. The Lord is SO good! I love what He is doing. I love the growth and confidence He is building in me as His child. I have really begun to learn how I can be that woman He has created me to be. I don't have to change myself for anyone. He holds my heart in His tender loving hands and His voice is the only one that matters. Although, I didn't always think this way.

I remember from an early age that I was one of those girls that wanted to so desperately change who I was. I wasn't happy with myself. Unfortunately, the bit of teasing I endurded definitely didn't make things easier it only drew me deeper inside myself. Little did I know at the time how terrible that was and how much damage I was doing to myself. As the years went by I began to sink further and further into my little hole and started to realize just how discontent I was with myself. There was always something I could do better, always something I wanted to change about my appearence, I was never content with who I was in Christ. Thankfully, He was terribly patient with me, even when I was doing everything but telling Him that He made a mistake. Actually, I just may have said those words a few times now that I think of it.

Why does this happen? Why do we, as females, constantly buy into the lie that we would be better if we could just change... (fill in the blank). It's so much easier to think of a list of things we'd like to change about ourselves, yet much more difficult to come up with just a few things we actually love about ourselves. It's terrible, really, and to think so many times this misconseption starts at an early age. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

It wasn't until this past year that I began to realize how deep I had let myself go. On the outside I could present myself as one having it all together, but on the inside I was a wreck. It was only a matter of time till I was going to fall apart. For years, my life was weaved together in this consistant pattern of discontentment about myself, until one morning the strings were cut and it began to unwravel faster that I could imagine. Try as I may to stop it, it wasn't going to work. There I lay in a pile on the floor asking God where I went wrong.

It would take a lot of prayer, many months, and twelve weeks of Summer for my eyes to finally begin to see what was going on. Almost a year later, I am finally understanding just how far I had allowed my mind to go. I didn't think much of all the negativity I had ingested as a child. I thought it was what made me a girl. Everyone has these thoughts. But now, when I sit back and look at myself then through the eyes of a woman, I see the beginning of a road that would cause a lot of hurt and pain. One filled with far too many days of biting the apple of deceit that satan would offer me, something that is still a struggle to avoid. Why it's so much easier to listen to his lies instead of the Lord's loving truth, I have no idea. Maybe sometimes it's just so much easier to agree with him when I'm too tired to stand up and fight back. He knows exactly when I am weak.

"Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavely places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:11-13

Thankfully I am able to read verses like that and find comfort. This is war and everytime I forget my belt of truth or simply am "too tired" to put it on, he wins. Everytime I'm too lazy to protect my mind, I'm giving him full access to invade my thoughts. I am the problem. I've wasted too many years feeding this habit of discontentment. Now that it's had time to manifest itself into an ugly monster, the process of undoing this mess is going to be painful and take longer than it would have been if I wouldn't have allowed it to grow.

Learning to be content in EVERY area of my life (Philippians 4:11) is more difficult then I thought, but it's my heart's desire none the less.

Learning to re-train my brain to view myself the way my Heavely Father does is a daily battle, but I know He doesn't make mistakes and that He loves me for me.

So what if I rather enjoy the lost art of car dancing and singing at the top of my lungs while I drive!? So what if I like to sanitize everything I own frequently to combat the germs breeding on their surfaces!? I'm a nerd with a bizarre sense of humor and ridiculous idiosyncrasies to go with, but I'm a daughter of the King and He's crazy in love with me. Why would I not be content with that? I am me and I am trying to be the best me I can be.

With love,

Aj

Heart Construction

Lately God had been showing me a lot. I feel like I am in this constant process of being stretched, molded, and formed. It's a continues cycle of growth and I love it, but some things aren't always fun to learn. Like, say for instance, realizing how you may have painted someone in a bad light due to your heart that is still in the process of healing. That's hard to face. It's even harder when you feel God telling you to pick up that phone and say I'm sorry. What?! (You can bet I definitely fought Him over that one...literally.) Yes, I can give myself the excuse that I have every right to feel the way I do, but that doesn't make it right. It doesn't justify my behavior regardless if it was intentional or not.

My God constantly puts up with all my garbage and doesn't turn around and have anger towards me for all I've done, all I do, and all I will continue to do. He's a God who continues to love and cherishes me no matter what. I need to strive to do the same with those He has placed in my life. I want to love with all my heart. I want to forgive and keep on forgiving. I want His light to shine ever so brightly in my life and penetrate the lives of those around me. I don't want people to look at me and see Ashley, the girl who's been hurt so much that she has the right to hold grudges, be frustrated, and talk negatively about another one of God's children. I want them to see my Savior, to taste His goodness, to feel His love.

This construction going on in my heart can be quite painful at times, but knowing how amazing and beautiful the end result is going to be, well...I know it will be worth it.

With Love,
Aj

The Greatest Story

I love it when God randomly reminds me of lyrics to a specific song at the moment I need to hear it the most. In this instance, a song from a group I used to listen so much as a teenager that I am sure I wore through their cds (and at one point cassette tapes!). I am thankful for this gentle reminder of how our lives can be used in ways far greater than we can imagine and how our worth isn't found in how the world views us but our worth is found in Jesus Christ.

The Greatest Story
by Avalon

Some days your own resolve is strong
And other days you bend
it's two steps forward, one step back
and a stumble now and then
You wonder if you'll ever really make the difference
you've prayed that you will
Well, I know that prayer will be fulfilled 'cause

Your life woven day by day
is a new design of the glory God displays
on the canvas of creation
Through the poem of history
in the pattern of redemption
running through the tapestry
Your life in Christ can be
the greatest story ever told

You cannot see the hands of God
or feel the grace that flows
from Him through you to those you touch
In ways you'll never know
you cannot measure worth by human standards
That's always a lie
oh, you have to see through heaven's eyes how...

In the light of eternity
Standing face to face you will finally see
for the very first time you'll understand
your perfect place in the Master's plan and how...


ashley jael

What If?

What if I didn't care what anyone thought about me?

What if I had enough confidence in Christ to do whatever He asked of me?

What if I stopped worrying and started trusting?

What if I had the faith to step off of the ledge and dive head first into the unknown?

What if I tuned out the sweet lies of the enemy and only listened to the truthful words of my Savior?

What if God has a plan for me much bigger than I could ever imagine?

With love,

Aj

Transition

Autumn is my favorite season. I'm in love with the array of colors on the trees, how their leaves have a warmth to them as they begin to change only to later collect on the ground and be tossed around by the wind. The air is cooler, making a good excuse to wear boots and tights, hats and scarves. The change is inevitable and much welcomed in my heart.

As I sit here and relish at the new season and what it has to bring, I'm much reminded of my own season of life and the changes and newness that it brings. Much how the dead leaves fall to the ground leaving only a skeleton of a tree behind, so it is with my own life. I feel as though every time God pinpoints an area that I need to work on, or something I need to just let go of altogether, another leaf falls. One by one they slowly begin to descend, the insecurities, the worry, the fear...everything begins to collect at God's feet and I'm left standing there bare like the fore mentioned naked tree. But I'm reminded that this is not the end, it's only the beginning. Transition happens, it's all apart of growth. But we aren't simply stripped of everything and left like that. The falling leaves in Autumn give way to the budding leaves in Spring. So it goes for us. Our "falling leaves" give way to a beautiful blossoming tree over time. It doesn't happen over night, but it will happen. Day by day we are being transformed, renewed, a change is taking place deep in our hearts. Moment by moment we are growing and being stretched into that woman (or man) of God that He has created us to be. Before we know it we are blooming and it's a beautiful sight to see.

With love,

Aj

Self Discovery of sorts

Lately I have been taking a good look at my life. I think with all the changes and growth that has been taking place in my life over these past three months, it has really made me stop and not only see how far God has brought me, but also look at my life and gain confidence in the woman He has created me to be. It's the little self discovers of finding out why I am the way that I am and loving the person I am growing into. No matter how quirky or insecure I may be...God loves me for me. Such a little concept, yet one that has so much depth in my life anymore. The following is a random list of some of my self discoveries I've pondered as of late.

I have a fear of failure and my insecurities have held me back from so much in life. I'm determined to change that.

I'm not one to express myself verbally as much as I would like to. It's an area that I have grown in by leaps and bounds over the years, yet I'm still a work in progress.

I've wasted too much of my life wrapped up in stress and worry. By the grace of God I'm finally learning how to let it go and give Him control.

Many times I have talked to God about my annoyance with my "emotional" side. But I've come to realize that He has blessed me with a soft heart, one with compassion that hurts when others hurt. One that literally feels what others are going through and God has been able to turn it into something beautiful. I wouldn't change that for anything.

I used to (not so much anymore) be concerend with what God was doing in other people's lives and what He wasn't doing in mine. I've realized that He does a different work in each and every one of us and if I am so consumed with what is happening in the lives of those around me then I just might miss out on the blessings He is doing in my life.

What about you? What have you discovered lately?

ashley jael

Remember when we worked at Summer camp?

My Summer came and went. It was much to fast for my liking, but I gained so much out of it that I can't complain. For ten weeks I had the opportunity to work up in the beautiful mountains with 5th and 6th graders. As terrified as I was in the beginning, wondering why I was there in the first place, God began to prove to me over time His reasons for having me there. Going into it, I was longing to escape my reality and just be consumed with my Lord. Quickly I began to realize that no matter the distance, I wasn't going to run from my problems. And no Love was going to stand there and allow me to believe the lies and I had listened to for far too long. So there I was, out of my comfort zone, in a new environment, desperately trying to hold on. Unfortunately, that didn't last long. Day one I was already falling apart. Week two and I couldn't hold back the tears. Day after day and night after night I came face to face with my insecurities, my weaknesses, those things in my life that I was trying so hard to run from. But the more I cried out, the more He provided His comfort. The more I was honest with how I felt, the more He showed me how He felt. Little did I know that He was restoring and healing this fragile heart of mine, allowing it to bud and bloom once again. He has shown me so much of His greatness this Summer. Pouring out His love so abundantly I can't help but smile at His glory! What I thought my Summer would look like became so much more than I could have ever imagined. It has has grown me and established a firmer foundation in Christ. I have learned to have faith, to trust, to have a love so much deeper than before. I have realized that I truly can do anything with the strength of Christ. He's the only one who gave me the endurance to make it through every day. He's the only one who held my hand and walked me through the darkness. Only HE saw my broken heart and knew just what it would take to make me feel whole again. My God is so beautiful and good to me! I hate that I ever doubt Him and all that He is capable of doing. He has blessed me beyond measure, filling my cup overflowing with His love and grace. How can I not praise Him? How can I not sing of all He's done? My Summer at FOHO may be over, but the things God has showed me will stay in my heart forever. I can't wait to see where He takes me next.

A.M. One Oh!

Remember When...

Otter Pops
Cougar life!
Dance Parties
Slurpees
FroYo
Long and Skinny
Ultimate Frisbee
Lakeview Prayer Chapel
Orientation Week
Cabin 96
Lake Days
"Mighty Mouse"
That dreaded AM hill
Justin Bieber's "baby"
Monday night gatherings
Sunflower butter sandwiches
Worshiping under a canopy of stars
"Yeah you did!"
Tuesday morning picture days
Inspector Gadget dance
Yodeling
Fwee Twogs
5am Lost mine hike
Code 9's
Grandma jokes
Thursday night affirmations
Staff banquet


ashley jael

Trust

I {heart} Mom

Yesterday I had the privilege of having a Post Mother's Day mother/daughter lunch with my mom, sister, and one of my nieces. It was one of those rare occasions where we were able to get away from work and life for a bit and just enjoy a girl's lunch filled with food, dumb blonde moments, and tears from too much laughter.

Happy (Post) Mom's day!

ashley jael

L-O-V-E

Lately I've come to realize how little we know of the definition of love. Not the kind of love portrayed by the world's standards, but the way God wants us to love. Sure we know to "love our enemies" and "love our neighbor just as our self" but do we really practice TRUE love with the relationships around us? Often I think we fall easily into doing for others as long as our needs are being met. As long as our egos are boosted and we feel loved then we can love back. That is not Christ's definition of love.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

He calls us to a life of self sacrifice, humbly putting the needs of others above ours. When someone hurts you do you choose to forgive and forget instead of growing bitter and holding a grudge? When you face opposition with loved ones do you abandon them or stand by their side? If a friend is in need of a shoulder to cry on do you put your needs aside and be that support they need?

We need to die to ourselves and love like Christ loves, trying to imitate the kind of love that He daily lavishes on us.

ashley jael

Finding Thankfulness

I loathe gusty wind. I hate how it tangles my hair, how it blows foreign objects into my eyes, and I really hate what a mess I look like upon arriving indoors, hoping to find the nearest bathroom to tame the mane. It's frustrating and I can easily start to complain and have my whole day ruined in a matter of minutes. But, I have no control over it and I think that is where my true frustration lies.

With any situation that arises in my life, I feel the need to fix it. Unintentionally, I've made myself believe that my worry and stress over a set of circumstances is helping somehow. But in reality, it's only making things worse. Only God is capable of handling the problems that spring up in my life and my worrying about it only shows my lack of trust in Him. x

As humans, we are frail and can only handle the weight of one day at a time. Why let unwanted circumstances, like the weather, ruin what God can have for us today? When we are thankful for what God is doing in our lives, we are free from resentment and He is able to work through our situation and allow His beauty to shine from it.

"This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

ashley jael

Change

Change is good, even downward plunges are needed once in awhile.

For most of my life I've viewed change as this monster who I loathed terribly. After all, it was this monster who moved this once 12 year girl from the only place I'd ever known to a state where I knew no one and wouldn't for some time. For me, it has always been tied to pain and heartache. Tears and frustration. Only now, as an adult, do I see the value and beauty it can bring to one's life.

Through the years my life has had many twists and turns, which my perfectionist-self has not enjoyed. I like plans and hate to have something thrown on me on a whim. But, I've quickly come to realize that God doesn't work that way. In fact, I think He kind of enjoys the latter. It's then that, someone like myself, really has to rely and trust in Him.

These past few years have brought a lot of change my way. I moved back to where God had moved me from some 10 years ago. Then I moved again. And again. And then...again. I gained friends and I lost some along the way. I questioned Him many times. I got hurt. I failed. I loved. I cried.

Though it still remains a painful process, I know now that the end result is always worth it. I've seen the evidence portrayed over and over again in my life. If it weren't for change, I would not be the person I am today. I would have never had the opportunity to grow, to stretch, to create, to be transformed.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time..." Ecclesiates 3:11

Only God can take the change that comes our way, no matter how big of a mess it seems, and bring beauty from it. And it's that beauty I'm so desperately longing for. So, as change knocks on my door once again, I'm ready this time.

ashley jael