He loves me for me

In a few days I will hit my sixth month mark of my "Honeymoon with Jesus" (A period of time devoted to seeking His face and growing in Him on a deeper level than I could if I had someone in my life to devote that time to. He is my special someone.) and I'm pretty excited about that. I can't believe the progress I've made and the change that has occured over this time. The Lord is SO good! I love what He is doing. I love the growth and confidence He is building in me as His child. I have really begun to learn how I can be that woman He has created me to be. I don't have to change myself for anyone. He holds my heart in His tender loving hands and His voice is the only one that matters. Although, I didn't always think this way.

I remember from an early age that I was one of those girls that wanted to so desperately change who I was. I wasn't happy with myself. Unfortunately, the bit of teasing I endurded definitely didn't make things easier it only drew me deeper inside myself. Little did I know at the time how terrible that was and how much damage I was doing to myself. As the years went by I began to sink further and further into my little hole and started to realize just how discontent I was with myself. There was always something I could do better, always something I wanted to change about my appearence, I was never content with who I was in Christ. Thankfully, He was terribly patient with me, even when I was doing everything but telling Him that He made a mistake. Actually, I just may have said those words a few times now that I think of it.

Why does this happen? Why do we, as females, constantly buy into the lie that we would be better if we could just change... (fill in the blank). It's so much easier to think of a list of things we'd like to change about ourselves, yet much more difficult to come up with just a few things we actually love about ourselves. It's terrible, really, and to think so many times this misconseption starts at an early age. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

It wasn't until this past year that I began to realize how deep I had let myself go. On the outside I could present myself as one having it all together, but on the inside I was a wreck. It was only a matter of time till I was going to fall apart. For years, my life was weaved together in this consistant pattern of discontentment about myself, until one morning the strings were cut and it began to unwravel faster that I could imagine. Try as I may to stop it, it wasn't going to work. There I lay in a pile on the floor asking God where I went wrong.

It would take a lot of prayer, many months, and twelve weeks of Summer for my eyes to finally begin to see what was going on. Almost a year later, I am finally understanding just how far I had allowed my mind to go. I didn't think much of all the negativity I had ingested as a child. I thought it was what made me a girl. Everyone has these thoughts. But now, when I sit back and look at myself then through the eyes of a woman, I see the beginning of a road that would cause a lot of hurt and pain. One filled with far too many days of biting the apple of deceit that satan would offer me, something that is still a struggle to avoid. Why it's so much easier to listen to his lies instead of the Lord's loving truth, I have no idea. Maybe sometimes it's just so much easier to agree with him when I'm too tired to stand up and fight back. He knows exactly when I am weak.

"Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavely places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:11-13

Thankfully I am able to read verses like that and find comfort. This is war and everytime I forget my belt of truth or simply am "too tired" to put it on, he wins. Everytime I'm too lazy to protect my mind, I'm giving him full access to invade my thoughts. I am the problem. I've wasted too many years feeding this habit of discontentment. Now that it's had time to manifest itself into an ugly monster, the process of undoing this mess is going to be painful and take longer than it would have been if I wouldn't have allowed it to grow.

Learning to be content in EVERY area of my life (Philippians 4:11) is more difficult then I thought, but it's my heart's desire none the less.

Learning to re-train my brain to view myself the way my Heavely Father does is a daily battle, but I know He doesn't make mistakes and that He loves me for me.

So what if I rather enjoy the lost art of car dancing and singing at the top of my lungs while I drive!? So what if I like to sanitize everything I own frequently to combat the germs breeding on their surfaces!? I'm a nerd with a bizarre sense of humor and ridiculous idiosyncrasies to go with, but I'm a daughter of the King and He's crazy in love with me. Why would I not be content with that? I am me and I am trying to be the best me I can be.

With love,

Aj