Seasons Come and Seasons Go

All we go through, all of life's circumstances are worth it. The good, the bad, and even the ugly. It is what defines us and forms us into who we are, who we will become. The brutal heat that saturates our being will not burn us, but only grow us. The wind and rain through the stormy weather may beat us up one side and down the other, but it will only make us stronger if we but allow it. Though Winter may seem terribly cold and desolate, it is then we can cling ever so more to our Father...enjoying the warm embrace only He can provide.

Seasons come and seasons go. They are simply periods of time that give us the opportunity to learn, to change our way of thinking, and to be molded more into the image of His Son (Rom. 8:29). Being exposed to difficult situations and enduring affliction refines us as silver in the fire (Zec. 13:9) and tests our hearts (Prov. 17:3). During the fruitful months, or "mountain top" experiences, our hearts are filled with abundant joy in the One who daily lavishes His love on us as He desires to bless His children.  

Life may have left you broken, damaged, worn, and scarred, but in His time He will make it beautiful (Ecc. 3:11). Sometimes it just takes a matter of perspective, seeing His beauty where you least expect it. For even the deepest of scars can tell stories of God's faithfulness and love.

With love,

Aj

Home Sweet Home

Team Sri Lanka (L to R - Janie, Myself, Pastor George, Madison, and Stephanie)

For weeks I have been staring at a blank page wondering how in the world I can compress two weeks of my life in just one blog post. Being the detail oriented gal that I am, it's been quite a struggle. Many times, upon returning home, I have been asked the infamous question about how the trip was and as much as I am excited to share, I feel as though my words won't do it any justice. The sights, the sounds, the beauty of experiencing Sri Lanka won't compare. But, this is my attempt to verbalize my trip in a nutshell and allow you to come on a journey with me as I share my heart and, hopefully, open your eyes to the work the Lord is doing around the world.

From the moment we left LAX I knew God was going to show me a lot on this trip, although what He showed me definitely wasn't what I had expected (go figure!). Our 16 hour flight to Dubai didn't go according to my plans by any means. Somewhere over the Atlantic I began to feel a bit claustrophobic and terribly anxious. I've been on long flights before and, although it was many years ago, I never had a serious problem with flying. I tried my hardest to distract my thoughts, but soon enough I was overcome with fear and stress. Quickly my observations of people went into over drive as I found myself being keenly aware of every move from the passengers. Finally, I found myself so deep in worry that I knew I had to do what needed to be done so that peace would set my heart and mind at ease. I reached out to one of my team mates and asked for prayer. Such a small task yet, sometimes, it can be so hard to do. Like many people, I can find myself too embarrassed to admit that I'm struggling and am in need of prayer. But we are called to bear one another's burdens (Gal. 6:2) and sometimes that may require humility on our part so that God can work in and through others to lift us up. How blessed I was to have had Janie to talk to (and not think I was crazy!) and pray with me several times on that flight, as well as having the seat right next to Stephanie who would explain all the funky plane noises and reasons for turbulence while thoroughly pointing out many scriptures underlined with "do not fear." God was already bonding us together as a team and growing me even more so with trusting Him in every aspect of my life. What comfort is found in knowing He is with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9)!

Upon landing in hot and humid Sri Lanka I was excited to see what lay ahead. Not too far down the road the brake pads went out in our van and we found ourselves making an unplanned detour at a local mini mart of sorts. It was there that we discovered the beautiful fruit, in it's true form, that is called the banana (our lives would never be the same). After the van was fixed, we continued on our adventure where my memory becomes a little blurry due to my dramamine induced state. Although, I can recall our lunch stop that consisted of the spiciest food I've eaten in my life! With children chowing down at nearby tables I found myself feeling much like a wimp and worried that this was how all the meals in Sri Lanka would be. Needless to say our 8 hour drive to Arugam Bay was eventful to say the least.

Wearing traditional Sri Lankan salvarys

While in Arugam Bay we were met with the sweetest form of hospitality I've ever received. Anywhere we would go the people there would find chairs and bring them to us so that we would have a place to sit, even if you refused. Their hearts were willing to serve us in any aspect and they loved doing it. It was wonderful to get to know the women in the community and hear some of their stories, even as heart breaking as it could be. Most of them have lost loved ones (due to the '04 Tsunami) and yet they can sit there with the biggest smiles on their faces, grateful for the little they have and for God who has been there with them every step of the way.

One of the most memorable moments of this trip was having the opportunity to lead worship at their small church, alongside Tiffany (one of our church's missionaries) and Chris (from Surfing the Nations). Two things happened for me in that moment. First, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to use the gifts God has given me half way around the world. God continues to use moments like those to build up my confidence and grow me in the calling He has placed on my life that all I can do is stand back and praise Him for how far He has brought me. Secondly, seeing the people of Arugam Bay worship the same Lord that I worship here in America was a beautiful thing. I loved seeing them pour out their hearts and sing as loud and passionately as they could. No one was worrying about "being on key" or what others would think...they were merely singing for an audience of One.

Through all the food prep, cleaning, loving on kids, and relational building, God continued to show me just how vital and unique our different gifts are (1 Cr. 12:7-11). It was amazing to see how God used each and everyone of us individually. Whether it be through acts of service, teaching, or prayer, God was manifested in all of our lives to be used in the way He has ordained.

The last week of the trip was a bit challenging for me. I had been feeling spiritually and emotionally attacked, but was very grateful that the Lord had sustained me regarding all my health issues. Then, I was put in a position of really trusting Him more. One night I was feeling a little under the weather and the next thing I knew, I was in dire pain. Again, I was faced with the opportunity of learning (all be it in a painful way) to trust the Lord in every circumstance. Being sick and away from home is hard enough, but when you throw in miles of separation and pain you've experienced in the past that has sent you to the ER, you tend to be on the verge relentless worry. Once again, I found myself scared and stressed about a circumstance I couldn't fix, let alone see an end result to. In that moment, God revealed to me again the power of prayer and His Word. Though I was physically weak, my heart could be at rest with the comfort I found in Deuteronomy 31:6  which says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

Precious little ones

   I feel as though I can share story after story of what God did in and through me in Sri Lanka. Coming home has only brought forth more of what He did as I continue to settle back into life and comprehend everything that happened in those short two weeks. To say I was blessed to have had this opportunity to go to Sri Lanka is an understatement. I am terribly grateful to those of you who have not only financially supported me to make this trip possible, but those of you who have been faithfully keeping me in your prayers. I was stretched out of my comfort zone, thrown into circumstances that made me rely on God and God alone, and given more clarity on my life's calling. My heart is truly excited for what He has waiting on the horizon.  All of this...well, it's only just the beginning.

With love,

Aj

Sri Lanka Bound

I'm excited, yet nervous. Completely exhausted, but seeing how fast my mind is running presently I dare say I will enjoy much sleep tonight. Tomorrow is the big day! My fellow teammates and I will aboard our 16.5 hour plane ride in the early evening, enjoy a 7 hour lay-over in Dubai (which I will try and soak up every ounce that I can through the help of the airport windows), board another plane bound for Sri Lanka and 4 hours later we will eventually arrive in Colombo ready to endure an 8 hour tuk tuk drive across the island to Arugam Bay. It will definitely be challenging to say the least! I may be drawn to tears with sleep deprivation, but it will be worth every minute of it.

I want to enjoy every moment of this trip. From the relationships built to the inside jokes that spur from spending FAR too much time with people. I know this is where God wants me and I know that is good. I'm ready for Him to stir up things in my heart and move me in a way that only He can. Taking the step of faith to join this team was just the beginning, God's got far more planned for my life than I could every imagine and I'm anxious to see where He leads. My life is nothing without Him and the only thing that brings me true joy is following in His footsteps.

"But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

With love,

Aj

Faith, Trust, and Joy in the Journey

My heart is overwhelmed with joy at the thought of God's goodness. I try to express with words how thankful I am for all He has done (and continues to do) for me, but I fail with tear filled eyes. Four days from now I will be boarding a plane bound for Sri Lanka, venturing into the realms of the unknown. I have been praying about this trip for some time now and it is exciting to finally see our date for departure getting closer and closer.

I've heard it said that it's not just about the destination, but it's also about the journey getting there. As believers in Christ, I think we can focus too much on what God has in store for the future, instead of relishing in what He is doing here and now. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely a dreamer and I can't wait to see what doors He opens on the horizon, but I also don't want to miss out on what He is doing and the growth that is taking place in my own life now. And this present "journey" has been FILLED to the brim with opportunities of growth.

Five months ago I was fearful of signing up for this trip. I knew there was no way I could personally come up with the funds and everything inside told me it was foolish to take that step of faith if I already knew the outcome (Apparently five months ago I was also foolish enough to think I knew the future!). During that time I had a conversation with a sweet friend of mine and I was encouraged to "step out" and not allow something like finances drive my decision making. If God wanted me there, He would provide. It was time to put my faith in motion.

Three months ago my faith "muscles" were stretched to their maximum capacity. I hadn't met any of the financial deadlines and I wasn't seeing any evidence of His provision. I stressed, worried, and questioned whether I had made the right choice by taking on this endeavor. But like Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Faith doesn't require sight. God hadn't provided me with any indication that this wasn't the right path and even though I couldn't figure out how it could possibly come together, I was learning how to trust the One who could.

Six weeks ago I thought I was getting the hang of things. My faith and trust in God was growing beautifully and I was on cloud nine. Any time I had doubt I felt as though He would reach down and touch my heart with peace, opening up my eyes to what He was doing all around me. Then all at once, through the means of my car accident, I was faced with the opportunity to gain a new perspective and really dive into trusting God on an entirely different level. First it was Spiritually, then it became physically.

Now, as I sit here and recap these past few weeks I've just endured, I am a mixed bag of emotion. I've seen God's faithfulness, love, and provision in countless ways. He has faithfully provided me with, not only the rest of the funds for my trip, but even the means of provision for the necessities I will need for the journey. His love has been poured out through the financial support of family, friends, and even strangers. Each one of them has filled my heart with joy and reminded me, through their actions, of how God provides for His children. But just as I have been in awe of Christ and all He has done, I am full aware of the enemy who isn't happy with any part of it. This week in particular has been a battle emotionally as Satan has been fighting hard to tear me down. Unfortunately, he knows just the right nerve to hit that makes me crumble to the floor, but I'm thankful for my God who is right there to pick me up again.

With everything the Lord has been doing in my life, in this short time period, I am excited to see what He does in these next few weeks as my team heads out to Sri Lanka this Thursday. I ask that you would please keep my team in prayer for the time spent away from our families as we grow together in the Lord, building community with one another. Also, that God would knit our hearts together as a team and that He would ultimately be glorified in everything we do.

With love,

Aj

T-Minus 3 Weeks

Twenty-five days from now I, along with five other individuals, will be embarking on a trip of a lifetime. With the day quickly approaching, the reality of it is starting to set in. That in mind, I would like to share with you some of the goals for our trip to Sri Lanka, as well as ways you can be praying for me and my team.

Most of the duration of our trip will be spent in Arugam Bay (located in the box on the map above). The main focus for our trip will be to partner with the full time missionaries our church has sent out. While coming along side to encourage and support them, we will also be engaging in the outreaches they have set up in the community. One of which I am terribly excited about is their ladies' tea. I truly have a heart for women's ministry and I can't wait to encourage, love on, and share in times of fellowship with the women of Arugam Bay.

In December of 2004, a 9.0 earthquake erupted in the Indian ocean causing a Tsunami to hit Sri Lanka. It was the second hardest-hit country. Due to this harrowing event, many of the people living in Arugam Bay saw their family members swept away by the ocean's current; some even held their loved ones in their arms as they passed away. Because of this and the lack of ability to swim, many of the people are still terrified of the water. Therefore, another goal for our trip is to give swim lessons to those in need.

At the end of our trip, we will spend a few days in Colombo before heading home. At this location, we may visit an orphanage as well as partner with/serve at their pastors conference.

Prayer Requests:(For now...)

That God would continue to prepare our hearts and minds (as a team) to serve, love, and minister to the people of Sri Lanka.

Health and Safety of my team during the trip as well as the days leading up to it.

For continued healing from my wreck. I'm still battling quite a lot of pain and I hope that it won't hinder any service on this trip.

Financial provision. With a little over three weeks to go I still need to raise $1100 for the remaining funds.


With love,
Aj

(If you feel it in your heart to help support me financially,
you can do so by clicking the donate button on the right toolbar)

Count it all joy...

My morning started out like any other weekday. I was busy getting ready and trying to make sure I had everything squared away so that I could be on my way to work. Quickly I hopped in my car, ready to conquer the day, with my daily routine of the Christian radio station streaming through my stereo and having my morning chat with God. I'm not quite sure what we discussed that day.

Not too far from home, I came around a bend in the road. In a matter of seconds I realized a couple of things. The vehicle I was approaching had stopped (Were there break lights?) and I needed to do the same...now! All at once, everything became a blur. I was dazed, confused, and perplexed at what had happened. What DID happen?! Was this real? Am I dreaming? What is going on?

My mind was fuzzy and went blank. Something smelt burnt and there was glass at my feet. When my brain finally put the puzzle pieces together, I realized I had been in a wreck. I managed to get out of the car and walk to the shoulder where I collapsed and began to fall apart. Adrenaline kicked in and I was in hysterics. Thankfully, a good Samaritan helped me to her truck, got me some water, and encouraged me that everything was going to be alright. As the cop, paramedics, and firemen began to do their job and assess the situation, as well as myself, my mind was racing a mile a minute and I couldn't pull myself together. Fear had overtaken me. I was terrified. I was worried. I was stressed. FINALLY, I had been getting the hang of trusting God over the financial provision for my mission’s trip and now this?! How can I afford THIS on top of everything else?! Why God??

In an instant, I was reminded of a passage of scripture my small group had discussed just the night before. At the time, I thought it was just a "rabbit trail" that went off topic, but now...now it comforted me with peace. "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have [its] perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Counting it all "joy" is a strange response in dealing with our trials. The dictionary describes joy as "the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation". How can a car accident possibly bring me joy?

I think most of us can say that we'd rather have everything in life go smooth, but life isn't that way. Life is full of disappointments. It tests our faith...not for God's benefit, but for ours. After all, He already knows our heart. He has known it the whole time. Sometimes we think we are further down the road than we actually are and we need these times of "testing" to build our patience and mature us so that we can respond more to life's disappointments in the spirit, rather than the flesh. In this world we are promised trials/tribulations (John:16:33), but as the end of that scripture states, be of good cheer for HE has overcome the world!

Yes, life is frustrating at times. I'll be the first to say that I struggle with trying to see the joy that can come out of this. I'm still working on trusting Him with this situation. I know He is more than capable, but I still have so many unanswered questions and stress that tends to rear its ugly head. I'm tired of the constant headaches/nausea from my whip lash, the pain that takes over my body when I sit up for an extended period of time (let alone stand), or running out of things to keep me occupied throughout the day from the confines of my couch/bed. It can be terribly frustrating. At moments, I can get so wrapped up in the circumstance that I lose focus on the One who is with me and wants to teach me something through this process. I don't want to be distracted with all the negativity that I miss out on what He is trying to say to me and the joy He brings.

And He DOES bring joy! It comes wrapped in varies packages. For me, one way it's been shown is through the love and support I have found in my family and friends. They have cooked me meals, brought me flowers and goodies, encouraged/prayed with me, and somehow managed to make me laugh when I was at my weakest. Their joy brought me joy. Another way has been through His creation. I was just marveling yesterday at how beautiful the weather was. I haven't been outside much (unless it's a trip to the chiropractor...) and as I went to let my dogs out, I had to step outside to take it all in. The sky was clear blue and my skin throughly enjoyed the warmth of the sun. For those few minutes I was terribly delighted, whispering a "Thank you" to the One who made it.

Look around you! It may not be in ways we expect but, He is speaking. There is joy to be found! Sometimes all that is required is that we take a step back and allow those blinders to fall from our eyes so that we can see the joy He brings.

With Love, Aj

The Lord Provides

For those of you that haven't already heard, I am terribly blessed and excited to inform you that my ticket for Sri Lanka has been purchased! My heart is at ease knowing that this goal has been reached and seeing just how faithful God has been to provide for me every step of the way. I am also grateful that the orginal goal of raising $3,500 for the total cost of the trip, has now been reduced to $3,000 (Isn't God good?!). I have been so blessed and awestuck at how God has provided through His people. So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!!!! It's only through your obedience to Christ that this trip for me is going to be made possible. Thank you for listening to His voice and blessing me with an amazing opportunity to "go into all the world and preach the gospel" (Mark 16:15). I can't even begin to elaborate on how excited I am that this trip is becoming more of a reality day by day.

I ask that you keep me (as well as the rest of my team) in your prayers as God continues to prepare our hearts for the work He has for us in Sri Lanka. I will be updating my blog with more information on the team, ways you can pray more specifically, the goals for our trip, as well as any other little details the Lord lays on my heart.

As for now, please continue to pray for financial provision for the remaining money that I need to raise, as well as for my unrelenting trust in the Lord who provides.

With love,
Aj

(If you feel it in your heart to help support me financially,
you can do so by clicking the donate button on the right toolbar)

Three days, three nights, and a miracle

With sickness plaguing me in more ways than one and sleep deprivation on the rise, I have found it to be a bit of a struggle to keep my head above water this week. I'm tired. I'm weak. And I am in need of a miracle.

This Monday marks the crucial deadline to have the $1,800 required for my plane ticket to Sri Lanka and, unfortunately, I am $1,228 short of that goal. As Monday is quickly approaching I find it far too easy to look at the numbers and wonder how it can possibly come together in three days (Believe me, I've tried!).
But God can.

I was reminded of the concept of having to wait on God and HIS timing; all while remaining faithful, on my drive home from work just hours ago. The speaker likened it to the idea of being at the doctor's office and having to wait for hours in the waiting room. How easy it is for us to get frustrated and wonder when we will be taken care of and be out the door and on our way. We can't see what's happening behind those walls. We can't see that there may be a patient who has an emergency greater than ours that they need to spend more time with. We can't see that maybe the doctor or nurses have to prepare something for our visit. But they know we are there and all we have to do is wait. So it is with us in our times of waiting with the Lord. We can't see what God is doing behind the scenes, what He is preparing or working in the hearts of those around us as well as ourselves. But He knows we're here and all we have to do is remain faithful with where we are and have the faith to trust in Him and His timing.

I have NO idea what God is doing, all I know is that He is growing and stretching me through this process. Each day that the deadline gets closer, each hour that goes by, I have the opportunity to be stressed and discouraged over how everything looks on paper, or I have the opportunity to have the peace that the Lord so graciously gives in knowing that if it is His will....He WILL provide. Though I am physically weak, I will rest spiritually in the strength of my Father who will supply all my needs.

"But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

With love, Aj

(If you feel it in your heart to help support me financially,
you can do so by clicking the donate button on the right toolbar)

Hands and Feet: Sri Lanka 2012

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him [be] glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
Ephesians 3:20, 21
As I sit here meditating on these few verses from Ephesians, I am overwhelmed at just the mere thought of what Christ has in store for me come April. A few months ago I felt the leading to sign up for my church's recent missions outreach to Colombo/Aragam Bay, Sri Lanka and you can say that I jumped on board when I heard about the opportunity to go and serve with some members of my church family. My heart is being stirred more and more each day as I continue to keep this step of faith in prayer and work towards the goal of raising $3,500 to accommodate everything I need for this next endeavor. Though at times it can be a bit stressful as to how and when it will all come together, I find verses like the aforementioned so comforting. God has burned a passion so deep in my heart to bring His love and hope to the world and I know that even the smallest glimpse of what I think He is going to do will only be exceedingly and abundantly surpassed by what He will end up doing.

That being said, I can't do this alone. Along with prayer, I would like to ask for those reading this for your partnership in supporting me financially. I believe that those who have the ability to send are just as important as those being sent, for without one, the other would cease to exist. If you have it on your heart to do so you can just click the "donate" button on the right side of the page.

With love,
Aj

Isaiah 6:8

New news.
New blog post.
Coming soon.

With Love,
Aj

"Love makes your heart smile, even when your face can't."

2010: A year in review

Like most people at the end of a year, I like to sit back and reflect on the year I had. I love to recollect all the laughter, recount all the joy, and see how God was at work in my life throughout the whole process. (Unfortunately I'm writing this a few days later than expected.)

In January/February I felt like I had cried more than I had in a lifetime (albeit a short lifetime). It was an unhealthy amount and it left me miserable, terribly depressed, and my heart felt pain I had never imagined possible. But, it also showed me the meaning of true love. As much as I felt like I had this inexpressible agony deep in my chest, I was reminded constantly of the endless love of my family, the unwavering love of my Savior and how I can radiate that pure love to the lives of those around me.

March brought me back to Texas to visit a girl friend I hadn't seen since I had moved away three years prior. We had a photo shoot in downtown San Antonio, stayed up late chatting and giggling like Jr. Highers who have stayed up way past their bedtime, and got lost driving around just like old times. I attended a women's retreat with her while I was in town and God began to show me just a glimpse of how "He makes everything beautiful in its time." (Ecc. 3:11)

I celebrated my mom's birthday at Disneyland in April and quickly learned how to change a tire when it decided to pop on the side of the freeway.

In May, I took a step backwards and reevaluated my life. I wasn't happy with where I had been and dared to make a change for the better. It marked the beginning of my six month long commitment to "No boys, just Jesus" and God began to pinpoint those tender areas where I needed to grow, if I was all but willing to surrender them to Him.
June - August led me to Summer camp, away from my family and friends and the circumstances that became too heavy to bare, where I would spend my Summer living in the mountains with people I had never met before.




Every day I was in awe of God and His creation all around me. Whether it be the mountains and forests that were my backyard or the beauty of His stars that graced the heavens every night.

God opened my eyes to so much that Summer. He gave me insight on areas that needed improvement in my life. He grew my faith, confidence, and trust in Him and He continued to show me just how vast His love is for me. It was a scary, amazing, and incredibly tiring experience that came at a time when I needed it the most.

September met me back at home with a passion and fire that had been ignited during the Summer. I was excited to serve more at my church and see where God would direct me this coming year. Desperately I was wanting to submerge my hands and feet into whatever area I was to get involved with. An opportunity opened up to be apart of both the Jr. and Sr. High school ministry and my heart was more than happy to jump on board.

It also brought the arrival of my eigth niece (so far), Paulina Grace.

October was filled with explorations of local botanical gardens and orchards as well as the celebration of my Father's birthday. I've always known what a blessed lady I am to have a Father like him, but this year it really hit home. I am terribly blessed to have a Father that is a man after God's own heart, who lives a life that is truly an example of Christ here on Earth. Gives me hope in my time of waiting...

In November I hit my sixth month mark of the fore mentioned commitment. Through the process I've learned how to fall more deeply in love with God, have confidence in the woman He has created me to be, and that I don't need a man to complete me. He is all and will be all I will ever need.

December came and went far too fast. Amongst the birthdays, Christmas parties, and hustle and bustle of life I managed to not loose my mind (although I came rather close) and simply just enjoyed life to its fullest. I laughed so hard I cried, I embraced, I shared, I grew, I taught, I was challanged, I loved with all my heart, and I spent it with the people I care about the most.

So here's too you, 2011. I can't wait to see what you have in store and all the amazing plans and journeys we embark on together.

With God it's always an adventure...

With Love,

Aj

You

You were once like family, you held a special place in my heart.

You cried with me, you endured life with me, and at one time you were the only one really there for me. But something inside you changed, you were desperate to take a road that I wouldn't dare to follow. My heart broke for you, I cried for you, I was willing to be there for you...but you cut the ties and walked out of my life anyway.

You were once a familiar part of my life. You encouraged me, you laughed with me, you found joy in getting to know me. But now we are merely strangers, friends of yesterday, and the promises you made have revealed themselves into the lies they always were. My heart was torn apart, yet I was still willing to help you carry your burden. My eyes exhausted from the tears, but I vowed to see you through another set of eyes. I was there for you until you said, "enough" and turned and slipped away.

You may have come and gone, but the imprint you left has helped make me into who am I am today. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have realized just how much He truly loves me. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned that He would always be with me...even when you weren't. You stirred up the passion in my heart. You allowed me to feel the same compassion for you like He feels for me, to love without condition, to learn how to forgive when it hurts the most.

You may have caused me one too many heartaches, but He brought beauty from ashes.

With love,
Aj

Give Thanks

"Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. For His mercy endures forever!" Psalm 107:1

During this time of year it's only natural to reflect on the things or people in our lives that we are thankful for. This year in particular, I am terribly thankful for some key people in my life.

God; I can never thank Him enough for His presence in my life. Through the many twists and turns of life He's always been beside me, He's never left me, even on those nights when I've felt so very alone in this great big world. He's been my Comforter, holding me in His loving arms as I cry myself to sleep time and time again. My Best Friend, always there with a listening ear and encouraging me with the sweetest of words. He's been there on the best of days when all I want to do is laugh with Him and find bliss in being a child of the King and on my darkest of days when I couldn't bare to keep on living. He's been my Healer, stitching together my heart and allowing the light of His love to penetrate my innermost being so that I can smile again. He is my joy, my true delight, and I love Him with every fiber of my being. Truly, if it wasn't for Him, I would not be breathing today.

Mom & Dad; I always knew I was one blessed lady with the parents I have. They've been nothing but encouragment, support, love, and laughter through all the years. But, it took a handful of stupidity on my part for my eyes to really see the gift I have been given with the two of them. Even though their hearts have ached over me, they still loved me. Even though I have slipped, they were always there waiting to help me back up. Though I thought I knew what I was doing, they prayed that God would show me the right way. When my heart was broken beyond repair (or so I thought), they were there to help me pick up the pieces, to hold me, to love me. They constantly point me to God, desiring nothing less than me following His calling on my life - whatever the cost, and love me even when I'm cranky. My mom is my best friend, the reasons for my OCD behavior, and the one person I know who continuously goes through trial after trial and still chooses to praise God through it all. Her strength through Christ is inspiring. My dad can make me laugh no matter what and is the reason for my ridiculous sense of humor. He's been my source of wisom, always knowing exactly what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it. He has been the best example I know that has showed me what it is to live a life fully and completely devoted to the Lord. He truly is a man after God's own heart and gives me hope in waiting for God's best for me.

Friends; Though the term is very broad, my 'definition' only exemplifies a select group of people. These are individuals in my life who have been there for me through the ups and downs. They have laughed with me, encouraged me, prayed with me, or merely just listened and held me when there was nothing to be said. They are the sweet friendships that have grown since childhood. The women that are more like sisters than anything else. They are the long distance friendships that span from Washington, to Missiouri, to Ohio, to Texas. The ladies who I can go weeks or months without talking to, yet one email or text can make me feel like we've never lost track of time. They are the friends I thought I had lost at one point in time, yet by a move we are closer now than we have ever been. The guy who has an amazing servant's heart, knows how to encourage and uplift the lives of those around him, and has shown me that, although godly men might be a dying species, they do indeed exist. The woman who walked with me through a rough time and beat me senseless when I needed it because she loves me. The young lady who's fire and passion for God gets me all the more excited about furthering the Kingdom and the amazing plan God has in store for my life.

These are the people that make my life better. These are the lives I am so very thankful for.

With love,

Aj

He loves me for me

In a few days I will hit my sixth month mark of my "Honeymoon with Jesus" (A period of time devoted to seeking His face and growing in Him on a deeper level than I could if I had someone in my life to devote that time to. He is my special someone.) and I'm pretty excited about that. I can't believe the progress I've made and the change that has occured over this time. The Lord is SO good! I love what He is doing. I love the growth and confidence He is building in me as His child. I have really begun to learn how I can be that woman He has created me to be. I don't have to change myself for anyone. He holds my heart in His tender loving hands and His voice is the only one that matters. Although, I didn't always think this way.

I remember from an early age that I was one of those girls that wanted to so desperately change who I was. I wasn't happy with myself. Unfortunately, the bit of teasing I endurded definitely didn't make things easier it only drew me deeper inside myself. Little did I know at the time how terrible that was and how much damage I was doing to myself. As the years went by I began to sink further and further into my little hole and started to realize just how discontent I was with myself. There was always something I could do better, always something I wanted to change about my appearence, I was never content with who I was in Christ. Thankfully, He was terribly patient with me, even when I was doing everything but telling Him that He made a mistake. Actually, I just may have said those words a few times now that I think of it.

Why does this happen? Why do we, as females, constantly buy into the lie that we would be better if we could just change... (fill in the blank). It's so much easier to think of a list of things we'd like to change about ourselves, yet much more difficult to come up with just a few things we actually love about ourselves. It's terrible, really, and to think so many times this misconseption starts at an early age. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

It wasn't until this past year that I began to realize how deep I had let myself go. On the outside I could present myself as one having it all together, but on the inside I was a wreck. It was only a matter of time till I was going to fall apart. For years, my life was weaved together in this consistant pattern of discontentment about myself, until one morning the strings were cut and it began to unwravel faster that I could imagine. Try as I may to stop it, it wasn't going to work. There I lay in a pile on the floor asking God where I went wrong.

It would take a lot of prayer, many months, and twelve weeks of Summer for my eyes to finally begin to see what was going on. Almost a year later, I am finally understanding just how far I had allowed my mind to go. I didn't think much of all the negativity I had ingested as a child. I thought it was what made me a girl. Everyone has these thoughts. But now, when I sit back and look at myself then through the eyes of a woman, I see the beginning of a road that would cause a lot of hurt and pain. One filled with far too many days of biting the apple of deceit that satan would offer me, something that is still a struggle to avoid. Why it's so much easier to listen to his lies instead of the Lord's loving truth, I have no idea. Maybe sometimes it's just so much easier to agree with him when I'm too tired to stand up and fight back. He knows exactly when I am weak.

"Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavely places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:11-13

Thankfully I am able to read verses like that and find comfort. This is war and everytime I forget my belt of truth or simply am "too tired" to put it on, he wins. Everytime I'm too lazy to protect my mind, I'm giving him full access to invade my thoughts. I am the problem. I've wasted too many years feeding this habit of discontentment. Now that it's had time to manifest itself into an ugly monster, the process of undoing this mess is going to be painful and take longer than it would have been if I wouldn't have allowed it to grow.

Learning to be content in EVERY area of my life (Philippians 4:11) is more difficult then I thought, but it's my heart's desire none the less.

Learning to re-train my brain to view myself the way my Heavely Father does is a daily battle, but I know He doesn't make mistakes and that He loves me for me.

So what if I rather enjoy the lost art of car dancing and singing at the top of my lungs while I drive!? So what if I like to sanitize everything I own frequently to combat the germs breeding on their surfaces!? I'm a nerd with a bizarre sense of humor and ridiculous idiosyncrasies to go with, but I'm a daughter of the King and He's crazy in love with me. Why would I not be content with that? I am me and I am trying to be the best me I can be.

With love,

Aj

Heart Construction

Lately God had been showing me a lot. I feel like I am in this constant process of being stretched, molded, and formed. It's a continues cycle of growth and I love it, but some things aren't always fun to learn. Like, say for instance, realizing how you may have painted someone in a bad light due to your heart that is still in the process of healing. That's hard to face. It's even harder when you feel God telling you to pick up that phone and say I'm sorry. What?! (You can bet I definitely fought Him over that one...literally.) Yes, I can give myself the excuse that I have every right to feel the way I do, but that doesn't make it right. It doesn't justify my behavior regardless if it was intentional or not.

My God constantly puts up with all my garbage and doesn't turn around and have anger towards me for all I've done, all I do, and all I will continue to do. He's a God who continues to love and cherishes me no matter what. I need to strive to do the same with those He has placed in my life. I want to love with all my heart. I want to forgive and keep on forgiving. I want His light to shine ever so brightly in my life and penetrate the lives of those around me. I don't want people to look at me and see Ashley, the girl who's been hurt so much that she has the right to hold grudges, be frustrated, and talk negatively about another one of God's children. I want them to see my Savior, to taste His goodness, to feel His love.

This construction going on in my heart can be quite painful at times, but knowing how amazing and beautiful the end result is going to be, well...I know it will be worth it.

With Love,
Aj

The Greatest Story

I love it when God randomly reminds me of lyrics to a specific song at the moment I need to hear it the most. In this instance, a song from a group I used to listen so much as a teenager that I am sure I wore through their cds (and at one point cassette tapes!). I am thankful for this gentle reminder of how our lives can be used in ways far greater than we can imagine and how our worth isn't found in how the world views us but our worth is found in Jesus Christ.

The Greatest Story
by Avalon

Some days your own resolve is strong
And other days you bend
it's two steps forward, one step back
and a stumble now and then
You wonder if you'll ever really make the difference
you've prayed that you will
Well, I know that prayer will be fulfilled 'cause

Your life woven day by day
is a new design of the glory God displays
on the canvas of creation
Through the poem of history
in the pattern of redemption
running through the tapestry
Your life in Christ can be
the greatest story ever told

You cannot see the hands of God
or feel the grace that flows
from Him through you to those you touch
In ways you'll never know
you cannot measure worth by human standards
That's always a lie
oh, you have to see through heaven's eyes how...

In the light of eternity
Standing face to face you will finally see
for the very first time you'll understand
your perfect place in the Master's plan and how...


ashley jael

What If?

What if I didn't care what anyone thought about me?

What if I had enough confidence in Christ to do whatever He asked of me?

What if I stopped worrying and started trusting?

What if I had the faith to step off of the ledge and dive head first into the unknown?

What if I tuned out the sweet lies of the enemy and only listened to the truthful words of my Savior?

What if God has a plan for me much bigger than I could ever imagine?

With love,

Aj

Transition

Autumn is my favorite season. I'm in love with the array of colors on the trees, how their leaves have a warmth to them as they begin to change only to later collect on the ground and be tossed around by the wind. The air is cooler, making a good excuse to wear boots and tights, hats and scarves. The change is inevitable and much welcomed in my heart.

As I sit here and relish at the new season and what it has to bring, I'm much reminded of my own season of life and the changes and newness that it brings. Much how the dead leaves fall to the ground leaving only a skeleton of a tree behind, so it is with my own life. I feel as though every time God pinpoints an area that I need to work on, or something I need to just let go of altogether, another leaf falls. One by one they slowly begin to descend, the insecurities, the worry, the fear...everything begins to collect at God's feet and I'm left standing there bare like the fore mentioned naked tree. But I'm reminded that this is not the end, it's only the beginning. Transition happens, it's all apart of growth. But we aren't simply stripped of everything and left like that. The falling leaves in Autumn give way to the budding leaves in Spring. So it goes for us. Our "falling leaves" give way to a beautiful blossoming tree over time. It doesn't happen over night, but it will happen. Day by day we are being transformed, renewed, a change is taking place deep in our hearts. Moment by moment we are growing and being stretched into that woman (or man) of God that He has created us to be. Before we know it we are blooming and it's a beautiful sight to see.

With love,

Aj

Self Discovery of sorts

Lately I have been taking a good look at my life. I think with all the changes and growth that has been taking place in my life over these past three months, it has really made me stop and not only see how far God has brought me, but also look at my life and gain confidence in the woman He has created me to be. It's the little self discovers of finding out why I am the way that I am and loving the person I am growing into. No matter how quirky or insecure I may be...God loves me for me. Such a little concept, yet one that has so much depth in my life anymore. The following is a random list of some of my self discoveries I've pondered as of late.

I have a fear of failure and my insecurities have held me back from so much in life. I'm determined to change that.

I'm not one to express myself verbally as much as I would like to. It's an area that I have grown in by leaps and bounds over the years, yet I'm still a work in progress.

I've wasted too much of my life wrapped up in stress and worry. By the grace of God I'm finally learning how to let it go and give Him control.

Many times I have talked to God about my annoyance with my "emotional" side. But I've come to realize that He has blessed me with a soft heart, one with compassion that hurts when others hurt. One that literally feels what others are going through and God has been able to turn it into something beautiful. I wouldn't change that for anything.

I used to (not so much anymore) be concerend with what God was doing in other people's lives and what He wasn't doing in mine. I've realized that He does a different work in each and every one of us and if I am so consumed with what is happening in the lives of those around me then I just might miss out on the blessings He is doing in my life.

What about you? What have you discovered lately?

ashley jael