"Love makes your heart smile, even when your face can't."

2010: A year in review

Like most people at the end of a year, I like to sit back and reflect on the year I had. I love to recollect all the laughter, recount all the joy, and see how God was at work in my life throughout the whole process. (Unfortunately I'm writing this a few days later than expected.)

In January/February I felt like I had cried more than I had in a lifetime (albeit a short lifetime). It was an unhealthy amount and it left me miserable, terribly depressed, and my heart felt pain I had never imagined possible. But, it also showed me the meaning of true love. As much as I felt like I had this inexpressible agony deep in my chest, I was reminded constantly of the endless love of my family, the unwavering love of my Savior and how I can radiate that pure love to the lives of those around me.

March brought me back to Texas to visit a girl friend I hadn't seen since I had moved away three years prior. We had a photo shoot in downtown San Antonio, stayed up late chatting and giggling like Jr. Highers who have stayed up way past their bedtime, and got lost driving around just like old times. I attended a women's retreat with her while I was in town and God began to show me just a glimpse of how "He makes everything beautiful in its time." (Ecc. 3:11)

I celebrated my mom's birthday at Disneyland in April and quickly learned how to change a tire when it decided to pop on the side of the freeway.

In May, I took a step backwards and reevaluated my life. I wasn't happy with where I had been and dared to make a change for the better. It marked the beginning of my six month long commitment to "No boys, just Jesus" and God began to pinpoint those tender areas where I needed to grow, if I was all but willing to surrender them to Him.
June - August led me to Summer camp, away from my family and friends and the circumstances that became too heavy to bare, where I would spend my Summer living in the mountains with people I had never met before.




Every day I was in awe of God and His creation all around me. Whether it be the mountains and forests that were my backyard or the beauty of His stars that graced the heavens every night.

God opened my eyes to so much that Summer. He gave me insight on areas that needed improvement in my life. He grew my faith, confidence, and trust in Him and He continued to show me just how vast His love is for me. It was a scary, amazing, and incredibly tiring experience that came at a time when I needed it the most.

September met me back at home with a passion and fire that had been ignited during the Summer. I was excited to serve more at my church and see where God would direct me this coming year. Desperately I was wanting to submerge my hands and feet into whatever area I was to get involved with. An opportunity opened up to be apart of both the Jr. and Sr. High school ministry and my heart was more than happy to jump on board.

It also brought the arrival of my eigth niece (so far), Paulina Grace.

October was filled with explorations of local botanical gardens and orchards as well as the celebration of my Father's birthday. I've always known what a blessed lady I am to have a Father like him, but this year it really hit home. I am terribly blessed to have a Father that is a man after God's own heart, who lives a life that is truly an example of Christ here on Earth. Gives me hope in my time of waiting...

In November I hit my sixth month mark of the fore mentioned commitment. Through the process I've learned how to fall more deeply in love with God, have confidence in the woman He has created me to be, and that I don't need a man to complete me. He is all and will be all I will ever need.

December came and went far too fast. Amongst the birthdays, Christmas parties, and hustle and bustle of life I managed to not loose my mind (although I came rather close) and simply just enjoyed life to its fullest. I laughed so hard I cried, I embraced, I shared, I grew, I taught, I was challanged, I loved with all my heart, and I spent it with the people I care about the most.

So here's too you, 2011. I can't wait to see what you have in store and all the amazing plans and journeys we embark on together.

With God it's always an adventure...

With Love,

Aj

You

You were once like family, you held a special place in my heart.

You cried with me, you endured life with me, and at one time you were the only one really there for me. But something inside you changed, you were desperate to take a road that I wouldn't dare to follow. My heart broke for you, I cried for you, I was willing to be there for you...but you cut the ties and walked out of my life anyway.

You were once a familiar part of my life. You encouraged me, you laughed with me, you found joy in getting to know me. But now we are merely strangers, friends of yesterday, and the promises you made have revealed themselves into the lies they always were. My heart was torn apart, yet I was still willing to help you carry your burden. My eyes exhausted from the tears, but I vowed to see you through another set of eyes. I was there for you until you said, "enough" and turned and slipped away.

You may have come and gone, but the imprint you left has helped make me into who am I am today. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have realized just how much He truly loves me. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have learned that He would always be with me...even when you weren't. You stirred up the passion in my heart. You allowed me to feel the same compassion for you like He feels for me, to love without condition, to learn how to forgive when it hurts the most.

You may have caused me one too many heartaches, but He brought beauty from ashes.

With love,
Aj

Give Thanks

"Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. For His mercy endures forever!" Psalm 107:1

During this time of year it's only natural to reflect on the things or people in our lives that we are thankful for. This year in particular, I am terribly thankful for some key people in my life.

God; I can never thank Him enough for His presence in my life. Through the many twists and turns of life He's always been beside me, He's never left me, even on those nights when I've felt so very alone in this great big world. He's been my Comforter, holding me in His loving arms as I cry myself to sleep time and time again. My Best Friend, always there with a listening ear and encouraging me with the sweetest of words. He's been there on the best of days when all I want to do is laugh with Him and find bliss in being a child of the King and on my darkest of days when I couldn't bare to keep on living. He's been my Healer, stitching together my heart and allowing the light of His love to penetrate my innermost being so that I can smile again. He is my joy, my true delight, and I love Him with every fiber of my being. Truly, if it wasn't for Him, I would not be breathing today.

Mom & Dad; I always knew I was one blessed lady with the parents I have. They've been nothing but encouragment, support, love, and laughter through all the years. But, it took a handful of stupidity on my part for my eyes to really see the gift I have been given with the two of them. Even though their hearts have ached over me, they still loved me. Even though I have slipped, they were always there waiting to help me back up. Though I thought I knew what I was doing, they prayed that God would show me the right way. When my heart was broken beyond repair (or so I thought), they were there to help me pick up the pieces, to hold me, to love me. They constantly point me to God, desiring nothing less than me following His calling on my life - whatever the cost, and love me even when I'm cranky. My mom is my best friend, the reasons for my OCD behavior, and the one person I know who continuously goes through trial after trial and still chooses to praise God through it all. Her strength through Christ is inspiring. My dad can make me laugh no matter what and is the reason for my ridiculous sense of humor. He's been my source of wisom, always knowing exactly what I need to hear even when I don't want to hear it. He has been the best example I know that has showed me what it is to live a life fully and completely devoted to the Lord. He truly is a man after God's own heart and gives me hope in waiting for God's best for me.

Friends; Though the term is very broad, my 'definition' only exemplifies a select group of people. These are individuals in my life who have been there for me through the ups and downs. They have laughed with me, encouraged me, prayed with me, or merely just listened and held me when there was nothing to be said. They are the sweet friendships that have grown since childhood. The women that are more like sisters than anything else. They are the long distance friendships that span from Washington, to Missiouri, to Ohio, to Texas. The ladies who I can go weeks or months without talking to, yet one email or text can make me feel like we've never lost track of time. They are the friends I thought I had lost at one point in time, yet by a move we are closer now than we have ever been. The guy who has an amazing servant's heart, knows how to encourage and uplift the lives of those around him, and has shown me that, although godly men might be a dying species, they do indeed exist. The woman who walked with me through a rough time and beat me senseless when I needed it because she loves me. The young lady who's fire and passion for God gets me all the more excited about furthering the Kingdom and the amazing plan God has in store for my life.

These are the people that make my life better. These are the lives I am so very thankful for.

With love,

Aj

He loves me for me

In a few days I will hit my sixth month mark of my "Honeymoon with Jesus" (A period of time devoted to seeking His face and growing in Him on a deeper level than I could if I had someone in my life to devote that time to. He is my special someone.) and I'm pretty excited about that. I can't believe the progress I've made and the change that has occured over this time. The Lord is SO good! I love what He is doing. I love the growth and confidence He is building in me as His child. I have really begun to learn how I can be that woman He has created me to be. I don't have to change myself for anyone. He holds my heart in His tender loving hands and His voice is the only one that matters. Although, I didn't always think this way.

I remember from an early age that I was one of those girls that wanted to so desperately change who I was. I wasn't happy with myself. Unfortunately, the bit of teasing I endurded definitely didn't make things easier it only drew me deeper inside myself. Little did I know at the time how terrible that was and how much damage I was doing to myself. As the years went by I began to sink further and further into my little hole and started to realize just how discontent I was with myself. There was always something I could do better, always something I wanted to change about my appearence, I was never content with who I was in Christ. Thankfully, He was terribly patient with me, even when I was doing everything but telling Him that He made a mistake. Actually, I just may have said those words a few times now that I think of it.

Why does this happen? Why do we, as females, constantly buy into the lie that we would be better if we could just change... (fill in the blank). It's so much easier to think of a list of things we'd like to change about ourselves, yet much more difficult to come up with just a few things we actually love about ourselves. It's terrible, really, and to think so many times this misconseption starts at an early age. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

It wasn't until this past year that I began to realize how deep I had let myself go. On the outside I could present myself as one having it all together, but on the inside I was a wreck. It was only a matter of time till I was going to fall apart. For years, my life was weaved together in this consistant pattern of discontentment about myself, until one morning the strings were cut and it began to unwravel faster that I could imagine. Try as I may to stop it, it wasn't going to work. There I lay in a pile on the floor asking God where I went wrong.

It would take a lot of prayer, many months, and twelve weeks of Summer for my eyes to finally begin to see what was going on. Almost a year later, I am finally understanding just how far I had allowed my mind to go. I didn't think much of all the negativity I had ingested as a child. I thought it was what made me a girl. Everyone has these thoughts. But now, when I sit back and look at myself then through the eyes of a woman, I see the beginning of a road that would cause a lot of hurt and pain. One filled with far too many days of biting the apple of deceit that satan would offer me, something that is still a struggle to avoid. Why it's so much easier to listen to his lies instead of the Lord's loving truth, I have no idea. Maybe sometimes it's just so much easier to agree with him when I'm too tired to stand up and fight back. He knows exactly when I am weak.

"Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavely places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." Ephesians 6:11-13

Thankfully I am able to read verses like that and find comfort. This is war and everytime I forget my belt of truth or simply am "too tired" to put it on, he wins. Everytime I'm too lazy to protect my mind, I'm giving him full access to invade my thoughts. I am the problem. I've wasted too many years feeding this habit of discontentment. Now that it's had time to manifest itself into an ugly monster, the process of undoing this mess is going to be painful and take longer than it would have been if I wouldn't have allowed it to grow.

Learning to be content in EVERY area of my life (Philippians 4:11) is more difficult then I thought, but it's my heart's desire none the less.

Learning to re-train my brain to view myself the way my Heavely Father does is a daily battle, but I know He doesn't make mistakes and that He loves me for me.

So what if I rather enjoy the lost art of car dancing and singing at the top of my lungs while I drive!? So what if I like to sanitize everything I own frequently to combat the germs breeding on their surfaces!? I'm a nerd with a bizarre sense of humor and ridiculous idiosyncrasies to go with, but I'm a daughter of the King and He's crazy in love with me. Why would I not be content with that? I am me and I am trying to be the best me I can be.

With love,

Aj

Heart Construction

Lately God had been showing me a lot. I feel like I am in this constant process of being stretched, molded, and formed. It's a continues cycle of growth and I love it, but some things aren't always fun to learn. Like, say for instance, realizing how you may have painted someone in a bad light due to your heart that is still in the process of healing. That's hard to face. It's even harder when you feel God telling you to pick up that phone and say I'm sorry. What?! (You can bet I definitely fought Him over that one...literally.) Yes, I can give myself the excuse that I have every right to feel the way I do, but that doesn't make it right. It doesn't justify my behavior regardless if it was intentional or not.

My God constantly puts up with all my garbage and doesn't turn around and have anger towards me for all I've done, all I do, and all I will continue to do. He's a God who continues to love and cherishes me no matter what. I need to strive to do the same with those He has placed in my life. I want to love with all my heart. I want to forgive and keep on forgiving. I want His light to shine ever so brightly in my life and penetrate the lives of those around me. I don't want people to look at me and see Ashley, the girl who's been hurt so much that she has the right to hold grudges, be frustrated, and talk negatively about another one of God's children. I want them to see my Savior, to taste His goodness, to feel His love.

This construction going on in my heart can be quite painful at times, but knowing how amazing and beautiful the end result is going to be, well...I know it will be worth it.

With Love,
Aj

The Greatest Story

I love it when God randomly reminds me of lyrics to a specific song at the moment I need to hear it the most. In this instance, a song from a group I used to listen so much as a teenager that I am sure I wore through their cds (and at one point cassette tapes!). I am thankful for this gentle reminder of how our lives can be used in ways far greater than we can imagine and how our worth isn't found in how the world views us but our worth is found in Jesus Christ.

The Greatest Story
by Avalon

Some days your own resolve is strong
And other days you bend
it's two steps forward, one step back
and a stumble now and then
You wonder if you'll ever really make the difference
you've prayed that you will
Well, I know that prayer will be fulfilled 'cause

Your life woven day by day
is a new design of the glory God displays
on the canvas of creation
Through the poem of history
in the pattern of redemption
running through the tapestry
Your life in Christ can be
the greatest story ever told

You cannot see the hands of God
or feel the grace that flows
from Him through you to those you touch
In ways you'll never know
you cannot measure worth by human standards
That's always a lie
oh, you have to see through heaven's eyes how...

In the light of eternity
Standing face to face you will finally see
for the very first time you'll understand
your perfect place in the Master's plan and how...


ashley jael